This blog started out with the title of bravery and healing. While I will still talk about it in this and later blogs, I thought time was a good topic and title to use at this time. I recently chatted with  A friend about perinatal loss  which brought me to think about my own loss, both the miscarriage and the ectopic pregnancy. A good amount of time, years, has passed since both events and yet something as simple as sharing my story with this friend made the flood gates open again. All the emotions of those events come back to the front of my mind. The difference for me is that they were not as raw as when the events had happened and time has truly made them easier to handle.

I will write more later when I have time to both think and put my thoughts together.

On a day that is meant to celebrate love  wanted to take a moment to say  I love you to all the  babies that we carried but were never born. To say I love u to those who were and left us to quickly, and TO THOSE WHO ARE GOING THROUGH LOSS RIGHT NOW.

While getting ready for our party tonight I started thinking about wishing everyone a happy or better new year. Sometimes we get so caught up in our own happiness or problems and forget to thank those around us for being in our lives. So this is my thank you and final post for 2013.  I want to thank all those  who have  helped me in my healing journey and been there when I really needed them. Thank you to my real friends. 

As women we often give ourselves little credit or how strong we are or how strong we can be.  In the past when I lost a family member, I took a day to grieve and then proved I was strong by going on about my work or other daily activities. I did sometimes need to close my door or was sent home, but I had gone on and tried to be strong.The first loss was before my son and that time I did not have to be strong for anyone in reality. I had the chance to let myself feel through this and it was a great learning opportunity for me
With our second loss I knew that I was strong enough to make it through this loss. I think it helped that this time I ha my son to be strong for. He did not understand what was going on or that mommy had been in surgery and needed time to recover. 
I know that I am stronger than I think I am and part of it is having that supoport network and not being afraid to admit we need a shoulder to cry on.

Added on November 21st
I now know that I was strong enough to survive a miscarriage or ectopic  pregnancy but  about the news of others good fortunes? This is the next challenge for many of us, being strong everytime we hear of a new person's pregnancy especially when they tell you so early on.  While I want to warn them not to say much to to many so soon, I want to try and share in their happiness. While I want  to try and be as positive about their news as they are I sometimes find  I can't  be when I look deep in my heart. I know exciting it is when you found out and before you knew how often pregnancy can end in loss. It takes time and care to get to that point where we can I find it takes time sometimes to remember feel what we say out loud.

After a pregnancy loss has happened there are many decisions to make including how to get ones body back to "normal". I use the word normal for lack of a better word as I know and felt my body would never really be the way it was or normal.  After both pregnancy losses, I had choose a surgical option as I felt it was the best for me and moving on with life. The hard part for me was not so much the decision as the wait for surgery and the healing that I knew it would bring.
With the miscarriage I had a D&C  of which information can be found through  your doctor or other medical sites. I am finding it hard at the moment to write it so I will talk about the wait. I had to be at the hospital early in the morning and wait for a surgical spot as it was not considered an emergency surgery although it was still treated as important. After some waiting I was given some pills to get things moving and they thought it might pass the miscarriage on its own if a space did not open soon enough. Day surgery is kinda a boring place to be. I have to say that the pills did there work well in getting things going but was it painful. Given the option I would not take them again. My body takes many medicines well as I learned when getting petocine with the birth of my son. 
With my ectopic pregnancy there was a greater urgency in having it done that night. Im sure I would have bee okay if it had been longer but glad as I did not loose my overy or experience any other problems as a result. Happily the pregnancy was where it should have been and detected early enough to avoid damage. The hard part about waiting this time was not the unknown of going into surgery but the grieving of a very wanted pregnancy and knowing that I had a little boy at home who needed me. That is the joy and the hardship of being a mother and  loosing a pregnancy. I was thinking about the lose, my son, my husband and me. Thats a lot to worry about.

I think this was the hardest wait of my life. The wait to learn if I was right about the answer to this question. I think I always knew the answer and hence my Denial period of the grieving process started before the actual loss happened. 
WAIT, before we  continue I need to say thanks to my best friend whose story of her Ectopic pregnancy made me question my own situation and if I was experiencing the same thing. My advice to others, if something feels wrong get it checked out. It is better to have things looked at be wrong than not and risk the dangers. While I was sad that the pregnancy was in fact ectopic, I was glad I was safe and alive to take care of my son and spouse. 

The joy of  Hormones can be both a blessing and a curse when it come to pregnancy and the loss of a pregnancy. Lets start with looking at it from the perspective of the lose.  When we found out we had miscarried, hormones were in play for me as I had gone from the great high of going for our first Ultrasound to seeing nothing but an empty amniotic sac. It was so disheartening to hear the news and then to see it. It was a small comfort that my doctor had been contacted and was willing/able to have us come in to talk about it. Even writing about it now makes me tear up. Yet I choose to write on as I know that if I can help one person with my story it will make it worth the pain.
Then emotions got really intense as I was waiting for my surgery and feeling the cramps that mirrored the ones that I would have had if I had been in labour. I had taken the pills in preparation for the D&C. I would have to say given the option I would not take the pills again. After my surgery felt the stages of grief take me on a roller coaster of emotions that coincided with hormone levels returning to "Normal". I still have problems with using the word normal.  It makes me think that I am not acknowledging the change that the loss has done to me and the loss itself. I remind  myself that everytime I think of the loss and start feeling that melancholy feeling that I am truly honoring that lose and what could have been. I think it is time to go snuggle and I will write about emotions of PREGNANCY AFTER LOSS ANOTHER DAY.

Part of the reason I started this website and blog was to raise awareness on the topic of pregnancy loss, miscarriage in particular. I have had the privilege to d join this facebook page doing the same in a different way.

 "Silent Hearts walk and run was created and started in hopes of bringing awareness and information of infant loss to the community, as well as support and remembrance to those who have lost their infants. Perinatal loss includes pregnancy or infant loss including miscarriage, still birth or neonatal deaths."          - Silent Hearts - Perinatal Loss Awareness Walk and Run Facebook

more to come 

I am amazed how much impact the simple act as taking the time to listen  to another can have on the healing process. It works for all types of healing and can be good for both people in the conversation. I am finding the more I listen to other and the more I share my story the stronger I feel. I know that no matter how much time has passed or how much I have moved on, I will always have a special place in my heart for each loss I have experienced.
So often when we hear that a friend or family member has experienced a loss, most don't know what to say. Sometimes the best thing to say is I am here if you need  me or say nothing at all, simply listen. When I first found we had lost a pregnancy, I know that I needed alot of people to just listen. Then as I moved further in my grieving I appreciated and found it helpful to hear the stories of others, knowing that I was not alone. Now I feel it is healing for me to share my story when needed, listen when required and just be available to all who could use a kind ear to listen.

This is dedicated to a family member who just experienced her own loss.

Whether it is hearing that you have had another loss, or a friend or co-worker has, it is never easy.  IT is sometimes hard to find the right words to express what you are feeling about the situation.  In the case of my second loss, I knew early that things were not right. I thought of a dear friend who had been through the same thing and knew it was what was happening to me. While I did not want to believe that life could be so cruel I knew that I was lucky. 
You may ask why I am saying I was lucky?  Well our second loss came as a result of an ectopic pregnancy.  This is a pregnancy that is not in the uterus and in my case it was in the fallopian tubes.  After three ultrasounds and blood tests it was confirmed and I choose to have surgery to remove it before it caused damage to my tubes which can be dangerous. So yes I think I am lucky to have known the warning signs and sought medical treatment immediately.
I have now had several people confide in me in regards to their miscarriages and each time I hear of one  it hits me hard. I know how much they wanted the baby and it just was not meant to be. It is hard to know how much to say and often what to say depending on the relationship to you. Sometimes I find the best is to say if you need me, call. If you want to talk, I will listen. If you need to cry with somebody, I will cry with you. 

I am dedicating this blog posting to a kind lady who is going through her own loss right now.